The late-40s is a time of vulnerability for most women. It is when a woman becomes pre-menopausal and her body starts to take on a life of its own. That feeling of loss of control is a familiar one, it happens during puberty and again during pregnancy. Even so, the physical and mental changes that occur in middle-age can be shocking and unexpected. For me, the 'change', as it's referred to in delicate society, has been nothing short of traumatic.
I had thought that I was fully grown, that my body would continue as it had done for the last twenty five years or so. I'd envisaged a little weight gain perhaps, some grey hairs, the odd wrinkle and eventually my periods stopping. What I hadn't been prepared for was another full-blown metamorphosis, as alarming and emotional as puberty but lacking the excitement of knowing that I was on my way to becoming a woman. The reverse seems to be true. I am unbecoming, unravelling, dissolving, losing my womanhood.
I felt the first changes about three years ago. My periods became irregular, I put on some weight without changing my eating habits, I felt slower in general. I was no longer as easy-going as I used to be. It was as if my engine had gone down a gear and I'd moved over to the middle lane without realising.
Since then a lot has happened, both to my body and to my emotions. Some of it not so good - there's been days, weeks even, when I've been able to do nothing but grieve for the young woman I once was. Yet on a clear day, and there have been quite a few, I've been able to feel positive about entering this new phase of life. I'm not fully there yet though. To paraphrase (appallingly) Elizabeth I 'I may have the body of a middle-aged woman but I have the head and the heart of a 25 year old raver.' I'm sure I'm not the only woman who thinks that.
That's why I've started this diary. It's an attempt to help me, and hopefully those who choose to read it, to get through these awkward few years. To find some humour in the trying moments - and there really is a funny side to it all.
By the end, when I'm really fully grown, I expect to come out the other side a real woman, happier than I've ever been and truly me.
I'd love to hear your comments and experiences too.
The Old Boiler
